


The Broken Road

by PresidentofGallifrey



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Blood, Captivity, Celestial Intervention Agency - Freeform, Gen, Hallucinations, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Monan Host, Night Terrors, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Torture, Violence, You Have Been Warned, it's gonna get dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-07-16 09:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 16,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16083599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PresidentofGallifrey/pseuds/PresidentofGallifrey
Summary: M'Orell is a Monan scientist who's determined to uncover the secret of regeneration. He's ruthless, determined and dangerous. The CIA on Gallifrey send their best assassin to stop him, but things go horribly wrong. Now he has a live specimen.





	1. Characters

**Author's Note:**

> I'm starting a new multi-chapter story starring the CIA and the Monans. Please be warned that this fic will become gruesome as it continues, so reads the tags because I'll put warnings in when it gets dark. I'll try to update regularly but I'm reallly busy so please be patient

Name: Sallan

Description:  

Sallan is an assassin with the Celestial Intervention Agency. She has long brown hair that’s so dark it’s almost black and honey colored eyes. She’s sweet and caring with a great sense of humor. She’s also fiercely independent and loyal to her friends. Even though she likes to have fun, she’s serious and no-nonsense on the job.

       Like most CIA agents, Sallan doesn’t care much for politics, which she considers dull, boring and ‘too much paperwork’. Even though she holds no high-ranking position in the CIA, the other agents respect and listen to her.  

       Her best friend is Narvin. They went through basic training together and are quite close.

 

Name: M’Orell

Description:

       M’Orell is a Monan scientist who is obsessed with Time Lords and regeneration. He has bright blue skin and turqouise eyes. He’s working to uncover the secret and apply it to Monans. His work is hindered by the fact that he can’t find many live specimens. He’s vicious and absolutely loyal to the Monan Host.

 

Name: Corlan

Description:

Corlan is Sallan’s partner and assassin in training. He has scruffy black hair and brown eyes. He’s eager to prove himself but sometimes his enthusiasm gets in the way and lands him in trouble. He also tends to accidentally mess things up.

 

Name: K’alla

Description:

       K’alla is M’Orell’s assistant. She had pale blue skin with darker blue eyes. She had no idea of his true nature until she stumbled in on one of his ‘projects’. She’s nervous and shy but has firm beliefs in what is right and what is wrong. She believes M’Orell’s experiments are unethical but is too afraid to do anything about them.

 

Name: Micah

Description:

       Micah is the chief doctor of the CIA and responsible for taking care of seriously injured agents in the field. He has brown hair and pale blue eyes. He’s very knowledgeable due to the number of injuries he’s seen. He has a kind and gentle bedside manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't put Narvin and Vansell on here beacuse you already know who they are.


	2. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The CIA send Sallan to take out a Monan scientist.

       ‘Wow.’ Sallan said softly as she flipped through the file. She was glad her job involved death and killing on a regular basis, otherwise her stomach would probably have rebelled by now. Page after page detailing horrific torture and abuse, some accompanied by gruesome images that she would never be able to unsee. ‘So’ She put the file back on the desk and looked at Coordinator Vansell. ‘You want me to take him out.’

       He nodded, pushing the file aside. ‘It’s not just that. You have to get rid of his research too. We can not risk someone discovering it.’

       ‘So, we blow up the building?’ She tried a small joke. Vansell gave her a stern look. ‘Sorry.’

       ‘This is serious. We’ve been able to thwart his efforts so far but he’s ruthless and determined. As long as he’s alive, none of our agents are safe and there’s always the possibility that he’ll get his hands on a renegade. Subtility is vital. If the Monan Host looks into it then things will become…complicated. I trust I can count on you.’

       ‘Kill the scientist. Destroy the research. Don’t make a scene. Got it.’

       ‘You may go now. Do you want the file?’

       Sallan turned back, her hand on the doorknob. ‘No, thank you. I think they’re burned into my mind now.’

       Vansell chuckled.

       Sallan was in the middle of packing when her partner showed up. Crolan had great potential, but he tended to lose his cool in a dangerous situation and she wasn’t about to take him on a mission to kill a sadistic madman who experimented on Time Lords.

       ‘Where are we going?” Crolan asked, leaning against the door.

       Sallan didn’t pause as she pulled out an assortment of weapons from various hiding places and piled them on the bed. ‘We?’

       “Yeah. We’re partners, aren’t we?’

       ‘I know.’ She pulled out a small leather pouch, opening it to reveal several sharp silver discs.

       “So?’ Crolan prompted. ‘Who are we going to kill this time?’

       Sallan straightened up, looking him in the eyes and causing him to instinctively back up. ‘I’m going on a job. You’re staying here.’

       Her partner’s eyes widened indignantly. ‘What? Why?’

       ‘Because you’re not ready.’ She shut the door.

       The suns were setting when she finally finished packing. She’d brought an assortment of poisons, traceable and untraceable. She’d have preferred to use the throwing stars, but she couldn’t risk leaving prints. Sallan wasn’t sure how she was going to destroy the research. She’ll cross that bridge when she got to it. She was pulling on a jacket when someone knocked on the door.

       ‘Come in.’ She called. ‘Unless it’s you, Crolan, then you can go away.’

       The door swung open and a man walked in. He was slightly taller than her, with brown hair falling just above his eyes.

       ‘Hey, Narvin.’ Sallan said absently, pulling her hair into a ponytail. ‘You should really get a haircut. Pretty soon you won’t be able to see anything. I know you’re not in the field anymore but seriously.’

       Narvin rolled his eyes in a playful way. ‘I can see just fine.’ He glanced at her bag. ‘Are you leaving?’

       ‘Yeah. What do you want?’

       ‘Actually, Coordinator Vansell wants to see you.’

       Sallan paused. ‘Why?’

       Narvin shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Something to do with your partner?’

       Sallan swore under her breath.

       ‘What’s wrong?’

       ‘I told him he couldn’t come with me so he’s gone straight to the Coordinator.’

       Narvin winced, following Sallan as she hurried down the corridor. Corlan was waiting outside Vansell’s office. He flinched as Sallan stalked up, backing him against the wall. ‘You’ve got some nerve.’ She whispered in a murderous voice.

       He was lucky that the door opened at that moment. ‘Sallan.’ Vansell said, his voice calm as ever. ‘A word, if you please.’

       ‘He’s not coming.’ Sallan snapped as soon as the door swung shut. She was furious that Corlan had gone over her and run straight to Vansell. There were already a dozen things that could go wrong and she wasn’t about to add to it.

       “You’ll need someone to watch your back.’

       She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. ‘I know. I know. He’s just not ready. I’ll take him out more when he’s got more experience.’

       ‘He’ll never learn to be a great assassin in he stays here all the time.’ The worst thing was that she knew Vansell had a point. He knew it too.

       ‘I’m his partner. I decide when he’s ready.’

       ‘I’m the Coordinator. You have to obey me.’

       Pulling the Coordinator card, that was a low move. Sallan growled, kicking the visitor’s chair. There was a loud crash and she felt slightly better. ‘Fine, I’ll take him. Whatever you say, _Coordinator_.’

       Vansell gave a small nod. ‘Thank you.’

       Sallan flung open the door and beckoned Corlan with a jerk of her head. ‘I sure hope you know what you’re doing.’ She muttered.


	3. Captured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to get dark from here on out. There's going to be violence, torture and lots of blood. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

       There were a lot of misconceptions about Time Lords in the universe and indeed a lot of misconceptions about Time Lords among Time Lords. One of which was the idea was that the non-interference policy was intended as a means of preserving the universe. It was, but that was only half of the story. Only CIA agents knew it was also meant to keep the Time Lords safe.

       You see, a Time Lord’s body was considered a miracle, especially their ability to regenerate. Many regarded it as the key to eternal life and there were many, many species who wouldn’t hesitate to tear the universe apart for a single vial of Time Lord blood. They let ordinary Time Lords believe they were doing the universe a favor by staying on Gallifrey and watching instead of joining in, when the truth was what others would do with a Time Lord’s gift was so dark they wouldn’t be able to handle it. That was how it was in the CIA. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t glamorous. It was just the way it was. They went into the universe, risking their lives and doing back-breaking work just so the other Time Lords could look down their noses at the CIA and sit around feeling all so superior.

       Take this scientist for example, they were taking a huge risk sneaking into his lab and killing him just to make sure everyone back home could sleep safe and sound.

       Sallan stuck close to the wall as they slinked along the dimly lit hallways, like her old partner had taught her such a long time ago, shadows among shadows. Crolan stayed close to her, his eyes wide with fear and awe. He was so…nervous…all the time. Sallan wondered if she had been that nervous when she had been young. A door slammed ahead, the sound ringing out like a gunshot in the silence. She stopped, listening intently.

       ‘Ooof.’ Crolan yelped as he bumped into her.

       ‘Keep it down, will you?’

       ‘Sorry.’ He muttered, coming to stand beside her. ‘What is it?’

       ‘Nothing.’ She tilted her head. ‘Nothing. Come on, let’s go.’

       ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

       Sallan rolled her eyes. Crolan had a bad feeling about everything. It was a good instinct but he needed to be able to tell when the threat was real and when he was jumping at shadows.

       It took her a minute to realize her partner was no longer next to her. Turing around, she saw him standing next to one of the lab doors, his face illuminated by the harsh white lighting.

       ‘What are you doing? We have to- ‘She broke off as he turned to look at her, his expression one of horror and disgust.

       She stood behind him and peered into the room.

       It was a pretty standard lab. A metal table stood in the middle, reflecting the artificial lighting. Piles of papers covered the desks that lined the walls while glass bottle held liquids that she didn’t even want to guess the functions of. What caught her eye was the two Monans, one was wearing a white lab coat and bustling around preparing something, obviously the scientist they were looking for. The other was strapped onto the table, looking nervous but excited. The scientist turned around, holding a syringe filled with a glowing golden substance.

       ‘Is that?’ Crolan whispered.

       ‘Shhh.’

       They watched as the scientist strode over to the table and pushed the liquid into the veins of his trembling subject. He waited a few minutes, then picked up a large knife from a metal tray next to the table. Placing it against the younger Monan’s throat, he drew it slowly across, red blood gushing out in the wake of the blade.

       There was a bright golden flash.

       Crolan shut his eyes with a yelp. Even though Sallan had looked down, it still took several blinks for her to see clearly when the light finally died down.

       Nothing had happened. The Monan on the table lay motionless, red blood welling around his throat and dripping onto the floor. The scientist didn’t look bothered by the fact that there was now a corpse on the table. He dashed over to one of the desks and begin to scribble furiously.

       ‘Did he…did he just…’ Crolan stammered, his voice shaky.

       ‘Yes.’ She said, not bothering to sugarcoat things. The sooner he got used to it the better.

       ‘That was his own kind. And he just left there like he was…’

       ‘Now imagine what he would do if he got his hands on a Time Lord.’

       Her partner stiffened, peering through the crack again. ‘He’s coming this way.’

       Sallan grabbed him and shoved him against the wall beside her, signaling him to be quiet with a look. They hardly dared to breathe as the doors opened and the scientist strode past them. Sallan felt every muscle in her body lock, her hearts were pounding so hard she was sure he could hear them, sure that any moment now they would be discovered and dragged off to be experimented on.

       An eternity seemed to pass before the Monan finally rounded the corner and disappeared. Her partner let out an audible sigh as he leaned against the wall, hand pressed against his chest. ‘I don’t think I can do this.’

       She knew it was a bad idea to bring him and her prediction was already coming true. She couldn’t leave him here and she couldn’t take him with her. Sallan paced on the spot, trying to come up with a solution. ‘Can you find your way back to the transport?’

       ‘I think so.’

       He thought so. That was comforting. ‘Here’s what we’ll do. You go back and wait for me. I’ll come find you when I’m done.’

       Crolan looked uneasy. It was obvious he didn’t want to go on but he didn’t want to leave her without backup either. Sallan gave her a playful shove. ‘I can take care of myself. I have been doing this for a long time, you know.’

       He gave her a hesitant nod, turning and heading back the way they came.

       It seemed that the scientist wouldn’t be back for a while so Sallan snuck into his office, hoping to find out more about his work and maybe find a drink she could spike. The papers on his desk detailed tests and experiments. It seemed he was trying to find a way to replicate the effects of regeneration with chemicals. She sighed. It wasn’t something that could be crafted. Regeneration was something you were born with. If lives could be grafted and removed at will, Time Lords would have become immortal a long time ago. Still, there was always the risk that he would stumble upon something important. She glanced around the lab and huffed. There was so much stuff here. How was she supposed to destroy it with burning the building down?

       She was just about to get started when alarms begin to blare. Had she been discovered? Sallan dashed out of the lab and pelted along the corridor, all attempts at stealth abandoned. Someone raced around the corner and she nearly shot him before she realized who it was.

       ‘Corlan!’ She yelled as he crashed into her, almost sending them both toppling.

       ‘The guards. We have to run.’ He screamed. Without waiting for an answer, he dashed off down the corridor and she had no choice but to follow.

       They were almost at the exit when Sallan skidded to a halt, pulling her terrified partner into a supply closet and slamming the door.

       ‘What are you doing? The door’s right there!’

       ‘It’s a trap. That door is the only way in or out. Once we make a run for it, they’ll gun us down like dogs in the street.’

       ‘So, what do we do now?’ Corlan panted.

       There was only one thing to do, but it was risky. Sallan had seen her old partner pull off the same maneuver, just barely. It all depended on how fast she was, but it might be their only chance.

       ‘I’ll run out. Once you see them chasing me, run. Don’t look back. Just run. Stay in the transport and lock it down. If I’m not back in an hour, take off.’ Her partner opened his mouth to object, but she cut him off. ‘Listen to me. Take off and go back to Gallifrey. Don’t come back. Do you understand?’

       ‘You can’t…’

       ‘Do you understand?’

       ‘Yes.’

       ‘Good.’

       She took a deep breath and opened the door. The lobby was brightly lit, which meant the guards would be waiting in the shadows, where they would be able to see her but she wouldn’t be able to see them. A perfect slaughtering ground.

       Sallan ran as fast as she could towards the door, Laser weapons discharged as she appeared, filling the air with blood red light. Stopping inches from the door, she turned on her heel and just managed to dodge a bolt aimed at her head. As she ran, she sent a silent thanks to her dead partner for insisting they practice sudden stops and sharp turns. She could hear the guards close behind her. One of the bolts clipped her shoulder and she stumbled. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to speed up, trying to stay ahead of the hoard.

       Sallan had long since lost track of time. It must be more than an hour now. At least Crolan was safe and she took solace from that. She couldn’t say the same for herself. Her chest was aching and each breath felt like she was being stabbed. She couldn’t see properly either. Everything was hazy. She could stop and give up or she could keep running until her hearts gave out. It wasn’t much of a choice.

       Eventually the choice was made for her. Her legs buckled and she collapsed. As she lay on her back, struggling to breathe. There was the sound of boots and the smirking face of the Monan scientist appeared above her.

       ‘Noooo’ She groaned, trying and failing to push herself up.

       He got down on one knee, reaching for something in his pocket. ‘That was a valiant effort. Stupid, but valiant.’ He pulled out a capped syringe.

       Sallan recognized a sedative when she saw one, but she was powerless to stop him as he stuck it in her neck. The world blurred and darkened.

       ‘Finally…’ She heard him say as consciousness slipped away from her.


	4. The Beginning of The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You will help me, whether you want to or not. Either you tell me or I will make your lives so miserable you’ll have no choice but to break. It depends on you.’

When Sallan woke up, she thought she might still be unconscious. Everything was dark and she couldn’t see her own hand in front of her face. It wasn’t until she attempted to stretch and banged her hand on the wall that she realized she was awake and in a cell.

Using the wall as a guide, she gingerly stood up. The cell was big enough that she couldn’t reach out and touch the opposite wall, which was a good sign. Sallan wasn’t exactly claustrophobic, but she wasn’t very comfortable with being trapped in small, enclosed spaces either. Carefully, she paced the confines of her cell. It was approximately 5 paces by 5 paces, not enough room to lie down fully. Three sides were solid concrete and the fourth was composed to steel bars. The gaps were too small to stick her hand through, Sallan discovered to her disappointment.

She tried to search her pockets for something useful, then realized the clothes she was wearing didn’t have any pockets. They must have changed her while she was out cold. Her hair was falling around her shoulders, which means they must have found the small clip she’d hidden as well.

She knelt down and ran her hands along the bars, trying to find the lock. After a while, she had to conclude that the door was keypad controlled. Letting out a sigh of frustration, she sat down, resting her head against the bars. She had to sit diagonally so she could at least straighten her legs, even so, her feet were pressed up against the wall. She didn’t feel like sleeping, having slept for Rassilon knows how long already, but there wasn’t much else to do. There wasn’t even a window to look out of. She closed her eyes and tried to meditate. It wasn’t easy, seeing as her mind, left to its own devices, tended to take the worst-case scenario and amplify it until she couldn’t function.

She was in the middle of meditation when she heard the footsteps. Loud, crisp, booted footsteps. The scientist. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to calm down. When the lights came on, she refused to look at him, partly because she didn’t want to look at her captor and partly because she was afraid he would see her fear in her eyes, so she choose to stare at the corner of her cell.

‘I’ve never seen a real Time Lord.’ The Monan’s voice sounded above her.

_Good for you._

‘I’m hoping you’ll help me uncover the secret of regeneration.’

_You wish._

‘It’s not fair that the Time Lords have the key to eternal life and refuse to share it with the universe.’

_I’d dread to think of someone like you living forever._

‘Her silence seemed to anger the scientist. His voice became less jovial.

‘You will help me, whether you want to or not. Either you tell me or I will make your lives so miserable you’ll have no choice but to break. It depends on you.’

He stomped off, throwing the cell back into darkness.

Sallan wrapped her hand around the bars and squinted through the darkness, trying to see something, anything, but there was nothing.

The scientist was right, she knew deep in her hearts. Sallan was no stranger to torture and interrogation, there came with the job. She’d been shot, stabbed, drugged more times than she could count. Her scars would make any ordinary Time Lord cringe. Interrogators were predictable. There were certain tricks, techniques that they liked to use. Easy to spot if you knew what you were looking for. But scientists were different. The information they wanted wasn’t something you could consciously withhold. It was frightening, to betray your people and be unable to do anything about it.

Sallan had only died once, when she had first started out. It had been one of the worst experiences she had ever had and she had no intention of doing it again anytime soon, let alone twelve more times. With so many lives left to give, she was she sure he would succeed before she died permanently.

She had to escape. The CIA had a field office on the Monan Host World, know only to a few. If she could reach them, she would be safe.


	5. Clipped Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If she wanted to get out, she would have to do it soon, before they reached the lab. There was no doubt that once the experiments started her chances of escape would be slim to none.

Contrary to popular belief, Time Lords did need sleep, not as much as other species, but they still needed to rest. After everything that had happened, Sallan was exhausted. She’d only intended to close her eyes for a short while, but somehow, she’d managed to actually fall asleep.

The bars she was leaning against suddenly slid into the wall, causing her to fall flat on her back, the breath driven out of her body with a heavy thump.

She was vaguely aware of someone standing over her before her arms were secured in front of her. The guard hauled her up by the collar of her shirt, causing the front to press into her throat uncomfortably. The guard gave her a shove, almost casing her to fall again. She gave him a glare over her shoulder.

‘Walk.’ He growled into her ear.

She turned and started to walk, as slowly as she dared. It must be early morning, judging by how the guard was yawning. If she wanted to get out, she would have to do it soon, before they reached the lab. There was no doubt that once the experiments started her chances of escape would be slim to none. She studied the ceiling as she walked, hoping to find a blind spot. So far, she hadn’t found any.

They turned a corner and she recognized the lab. It was now or never. She stopped dead, refusing to take another step even when the guard shoved her. She pretended to stumble, putting some distance between her and the guard, then used the momentum to drop to her knees. As she dropped, she swung around, kicking the guard’s legs out from under him.

The guard tried to reach for his blaster, but she stepped on his hand, breaking his fingers. Crouching down, she pulled the keys from his pocket, unlocking the shackles and dropping them on the ground.

‘Thanks.’ She gave me a sweet smile.

It was less than five minutes before the alarms began to sound. Ducking into the same broom closet she’d taken refuge in when this mess had first begun, she sat down and decided to wait it out. They would eventually conclude that she had escaped, since it would make absolutely no sense for her to stay in the building. She would wait until they had all left to hunt for her, then stroll right out the front door.

The door swung open and she stood up in alarm. The Monan scientist was standing on the other side, holding a blaster, ‘Good morning.’ He said, then shot her in the leg.

The pain was instantaneous. Her leg buckled and she collapsed. Paper towels fell as she gripped the nearest rack in an attempt to stay upright. Her leg felt like someone had stabbed it with a white-hot poker. There was a loud buzzing in her ears and her vison turned black for a split second. There was blood, a lot of it, oozing out the wound and pooling into a hot, sticky puddle on the floor.

The Monan grabbed her arm and tired to pull her up. She screamed when her injured leg moved, sending a wave of nausea through her stomach. Reaching up, she weakly tried to push the scientist away, but he tightened his grip on her.

‘Don’t. Please don’t.’ She panted.

She was starting to feel really dizzy now. The walls of the broom closet spun and she had to shut her eyes. The Monan was still trying to get her to stand. Her leg protested at the rough treatment and she blacked out completely.

Sallan woke in a hospital room. White washed walls and a concrete floor. There was a barred window and pale blue curtains. All hospital rooms smelled the same, like antiseptic and disinfectant. Her leg still felt like hell, but not as bad as before, which probably meant she was on painkillers.

It took her sluggish brain a minute to realize there was someone in the room with her. The scientist was standing at the foot of her bed. She instinctively tried to get away, only to realize she was tied to the bed with a pair of metal cuffs.

He watched her coolly.

‘You should thank me. I considered having you hamstrung, but I thought you’d appreciate retaining the ability to walk.’

‘Thanks.’ She spat.

He smiled at her, flashing his canines.

‘How did you find me so quickly?’

‘You didn’t honestly think I wouldn’t have some means of keeping track of my most important specimen, did you?’ He tapped the side of his neck. ‘Microchip. No matter where you run, I’ll be able to find you.’

Sallan was too stunned to speak. The indignity of being chipped like an animal, of ending up as some madman’s plaything, made her blood boil. She pulled on the cuffs, trying to find a way to wrench herself free and slash the Monan’s throat.

He chuckled, walking over as calmly as if it were a stroll in the park. He injected something into the IV and Sallan felt herself growing inexplicably relaxed. Her eyelids were growing heavy and her muscles were limp as she fell back onto the pillow.

The scientist reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. She tried to stop him but her body had stopped responding.

‘Relax. Sleep.’ He murmured. ‘You’re going to be here for a long time. Don’t wear yourself out just yet.’

If she closed her eyes, she might be able to pretend she was home, that she was in the CIA medbay and that it was the chief doctor Micah talking instead of this monster. As she succumbed to sleep, Sallan was scared. She couldn’t run now, not without leading the Monans straight to the others. She was well and truly trapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be from Narvin's POV and it's going to feature what's been going on back home on Gallifrey. So stay tuned.


	6. The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months without any contact, then her partner shows up half dead. Sallan was a great agent who’d survived a lot, but he feared that this would be her swan song.

        Narvin groaned as he fumbled for the communicator, its shrill beeping assaulting his brain like a jackhammer. He’d been working late last night, falling into bed just as the suns were beginning to rise.

       ‘You know it’s my day off, right?’ He grumbled. He really wasn’t a morning person.

       ‘Sub-Coordinator.’ He blinked, sleep lifting away like a fog. Vansell only used titles when there was work to be done. Narvin resisted the urge to groan again. He’d hoped to get a few more hours of sleep.

       ‘Narvin!’

       ‘Alright, I’m coming.’ Pulling on his robes, he snatched up the communicator and pocketed it.

       ‘Report to my office. There’s a situation.’

       Situation. That didn’t sound good. Narvin wondered if it had anything to do with Sallan and the mission she was currently on. The assassins had been gone for more than two months, which wasn’t unusual in itself. The fact that they had heard absolutely nothing from them was less reassuring.

       Opening the door to Vansell’s office, he saw Micah standing there looking troubled. That was worrying. Micah usually stayed in the medbay, many of his patients requiring constant supervision. He was the oldest and most experienced of the doctors here. Narvin remembered Vansell telling him that Micah was already working here when his partner had just started out. He was soft-spoken but firm when it came to the agents in his care.

       ‘Mornin’ Narvin.’ The doctor said, inclining his head slightly.

       ‘Good morning.’

       He listened as Micah told them about how Sallan’s partner showed up at the medbay covered in blood. ‘I asked him what happened and he just fell over. There was some kind of dart sticking out of his back.’

       ‘He was alone?’

       Micah nodded. ‘All alone. I tried to ask him where his partner was and all he’d say was ‘I’m sorry’. He woke up briefly when we got him to bed but I didn’t understand any of that gibberish he was saying.’

       ‘Could we talk to him?’

       The doctor shook his head. ‘Sorry, Coordinator. He was in so much pain I had to put him deep under. Reckon he won’t be awake until tomorrow at least.’ He looked at them. ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll be getting back now. Rounds to do, you know.’

       ‘Of course. Thank you, doctor.’

       Narvin turned to Vansell once the door had closed. ‘I know Sallan, she wouldn’t abandon her partner.’

       ‘Perhaps they were separated.’ Vansell mused. ‘Contact our field office on the Monan Host World, see if they’ve heard anything. I’ll get in touch with Monan Intelligence.’

       ‘They haven’t seen her.’ Narvin said as he walked back in.

       ‘Monan Intelligence don’t have her either. They used some rather colorful language when I suggested they were holding one of our operatives.’

       ‘Maybe she’s lying low somewhere? Waiting for it to blow over?’

       ‘If so, why hasn’t she contacted us yet?’ Vansell tapped the desk absently. ‘This doesn’t look good.’

       ‘She wouldn’t turn.’

       ‘I know she won’t, but that leaves another, even worse scenario.’

       ‘She’s dead.’ Narvin said quietly.

       Vansell looked down. ‘Perhaps you’re right. She might just be in hiding. There’s no need to assume the worst. Let’s just be…...patient.’

       ‘I’ll ask the field office to keep an eye out.’

       As he left Vansell’s office, Narvin felt a heavy weight in his chest. It didn’t look good at all. Two months without any contact, then her partner shows up half dead. Sallan was a great agent who’d survived a lot, but he feared that this would be her swan song.


	7. Real? Not Real?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘So I’m dreaming?’  
>  He grimaced. ‘More like a really bad daydream.’ He crouched down in front of her. ‘You know what’s happening.’  
>  The infection had finally caused her to lose her mind. ‘I’m hallucinating.’  
>  Another sad grimace.

       Pain. That was the only thing left in Sallan’s world. Constant, never-ending pain. Half of the experiments she was subjected to had no real purpose. They were simply for the scientist’s sadistic amusement. She’d lost track of the days, weeks, maybe months that she had been here. They blended into one long nightmare.

       She’d tried to escape again, while she was recovering from the leg wound in the hospital wing, but a second, less merciful shot to the gut had put her off the idea. The doctors had stopped the bleeding, but hadn’t bother to do anything else. She was sure it was infected, the sepsis slowly killing her. The thing about sepsis was that it came with the full package. Fever. Chills. Difficulty breathing. None of which was desirable when you were being held captive. The worst thing was that it affected your mind, made you see things that weren’t really there.

       Sallan shifted slightly, then gasped as the movement sent daggers of pain shooting through her body. The manacles dug into her wrists and she slumped again. She’d been chained in the small room after she had tried to bite the scientist during one of the experiments. Chains hung from the ceiling pulled her arms up and to the sides, while her ankles were chained to a ring in the floor, forcing her to kneel. Her wrists were red and bloody from the manacles and she didn’t even want to think about the condition of her knees. It would be a miracle if she could still walk after this.

       The door creaked open and she looked up wearily. Her vision was blurry from the fever and she shook her head, trying to clear it. A man stepped into the room as it came into focus. Her eyes widened.

       It was her old partner.

       ‘You’re dead.’

       ‘No kidding.’

       ‘So I’m dreaming?’

       He grimaced. ‘More like a really bad daydream.’ He crouched down in front of her. ‘You know what’s happening.’

       The infection had finally caused her to lose her mind. ‘I’m hallucinating.’

       Another sad grimace.

       ‘So what happens now? I can’t die here.’ She stared into her partner’s green eyes. ‘I can’t let that monster win.’

       He sighed wearily. ‘They’re not looking for you anymore. It’s been too long.’ Reaching out, he tucked a strand of lose hair behind her ear. She leaned into his touch, trying to find some comfort, even if he was a figment of her insane mind.

       ‘I’m proud of you. You’ve fought so hard, but maybe it’s time you gave up.’

       ‘What?’

       ‘You’re dying. Please don’t make it any painful for yourself than it already is. Just give in.’

       She shook her head painfully. ‘I can’t.’

       ‘He’s going to win either way.’

       Her partner leaned forward, hooking his arms around her neck. He placed his forehead against hers. They stayed like that for a long time, finally, she heard him say in a soft, pain-filled voice, ‘Sometimes you have to let them win.’.

       ‘No!’ She wriggled out of his grasp, a wave of nausea causing her to close her eyes. When she opened them again, the Monan scientist was crouched in front of her, smirking.

       ‘I’m surprised. I didn’t think you Time Lords had a backbone, or feelings for others, for that matter.’

       ‘Huh?’ She looked at him dazedly.

       ‘That was me, pretending to be whoever you thought was in here. You’re stubborn for someone who’s dying.’

       His words finally sunk in. ‘You bastard!’ She snarled, lunging forward and breaking off as a series of wracking coughs seized her.

       He laughed. ‘That infection’s not doing you any favors, is it?’

       ‘You’ll live to regret this.’

       ‘Will I really? Which one of us is dying?’

       She barked a dry laugh. ‘This can be healed. There won’t be any of you left to heal once I’m done.’

       His eyes darkened. Walking out of her line of sight, his voice sounded behind her. ‘I’m not sure you’ll be able to do anything with two dislocated shoulders.’ There was a swift kick to her lower back, two loud pops and a blinding white flash, then nothing.


	8. One Small Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update. I've been really busy with school, but here's a new chapter.

       K’alla loved her job, at least she used to. She’d thought she was helping to advance scientific knowledge, uncovering secrets and make her home world a better place. That was, until she discovered what her employer was actually doing and how he went about doing it.

       She hadn’t meant to stumble in on M’Orell’s experiment. The door had been open and she’d peeked in as she walked by.

       Her boss had tied some poor being to the examination table, threatening to cut off his hand unless the man cooperated. The man’s response had been too quiet to catch and as she watched, M’Orell had grabbed the man’s hand and sliced off one of his fingers with agonizing slowness. The screaming seemed to never end, on and on it went, until the man had screamed himself hoarse and passed out.

       She’d felt sick to her stomach. She’d never signed up for torture. When she tried to hand in her resignation, M’Orell had stared at her with an evil gleam in his eye. ‘If you ever try to leave, I will hunt you down and I’ll put you on that table.’

       That had been a year ago. The man had simply vanished one night. She didn’t know if he had escaped or died, but anywhere was better than here M’Orell had been furious when he’d found out and she’d bore the brunt of his fury. She’d spent months walking on eggshells, staying out of his way as much as possible.

       Now it was happening all over again. K’alla felt sorry for the poor woman. M’Orell wasn’t going to let her escape so easily, if at all and she was probably doomed to spend the rest of her lives in this miserable place. Death wouldn’t even be an escape.

       She swallowed as she glanced at the unconscious Time Lord. The woman was covered in blood, bright red patches on the wrists from when she had probably been pulling against the straps. Her eyes were closed and only the shallow rise and fall of her chest indicated that she wasn’t dead.

       She glanced at the lab door nervously. M’Orell had told her to ‘clean up’, then left to fetch the guards, who were every bit as sadistic as he was.

       There was a soft groan as the woman came to, followed by the clink of restraints. K’alla stayed out of the woman’s sight, not wanting the Time Lord to associate her with M’Orell and the others.

       After a few moments, a soft murmuring began to come from the bound Time Lord. K’alla frowned, she couldn’t quite make out the words, but it sounded like Monan. She padded over, still being careful to stay out of sight. Whatever it was, it sounded urgent. The woman’s eyes were shut and her dark hair was plastered to her forehead with sweat. It was clear she wasn’t well at all. K’alla stepped forward quietly, trying to hear what the woman was saying.

       Golden eyes shot open and K’alla yelped as hands wrapped around her throat. Despite her glassy eyes and shivering body, the woman’s hands were firm as they gripped K’alla’s neck.

       ‘That was really, really stupid.’

       ‘Wait.’ K’alla choked, scrabbling against the hands holding her windpipe closed.

       ‘The oldest trick in the book.’ The woman gave her a bloodied smile. ‘I didn’t think you’d fall for it.’

       ‘I’m not him.’ The edge of her vision was growing fuzzy.

       The woman added pressure. ‘If I’m dying, you don’t get to live either.’

       K’alla wondered if this was the end. She’d finally be able to escape this living nightmare, though maybe not in the way she was hoping for.

       The pressure on her throat vanished so suddenly that she almost fell. Gasping for breath, she forced open her eyes to see M’Orell pinning the Time Lord to the table with an arm across her throat. The Time Lord’s expression was one of hatred and shock.

       ‘You’re right. I wouldn’t have fallen for it.’ He jammed a stun gun into her shoulder, smiling as the woman screamed and convulsed

       ‘You can go now.’ M’Orell said with mock politeness. ‘I’ll be working late tonight.’

       It was well past midnight when K’alla finally felt brave enough to sneak out. Slinking along the corridor, her senses were on high alert as she made her way towards the cells.

       ‘Star light. Star bright.’

       K’alla froze as she heard the voice.

       ‘I hope there are stars tonight.’

       The broken Monan was no louder than a whisper.

       ‘I wish I may. I wish I might.’

       She stopped, curious.

       ‘Have the wish I wish tonight.’

       There was a soft sigh. ‘I wish I was home.’

       K’alla’s heart went out to the poor Time Lord. She wouldn’t wish this sort of treatment on anyone. She stepped forward, her footsteps echoing in the silence.

       ‘Back for more.’ There was no bite to the words. The voice sounded tired, defeated.

       ‘I’m sorry.’

       There was the clink of metal. ‘What for?’

       ‘I didn’t mean to mess up your plan.’

       Silence.

       Her eyes finally adjusted to the light, K’alla could make out the woman sitting against the bars. One of her wrists was chained to the bars, holding it uncomfortably high.

       ‘What’s your name?’

       The woman snorted. ‘Yeah, like I’m going to tell you that.’

       ‘I’m not going to tell M’Orell.’

       ‘Tell your boss if he wants to play psychological warfare, he’s going to have to do better.’

       ‘He’s not my boss.’

       The woman narrowed her eyes. ‘He’s blackmailing you, isn’t he?’

       ‘How did you?’

       ‘Never mind that. Am I right?’

       ‘Yes’

       ‘Take my advice. Get out. Run.’

       ‘I can’t. He’ll find me.’

       ‘How? You have a chip in you too?’

       K’alla wanted to ask what she meant but decided not to.

       ‘What about my family? I can’t leave them.’

       The woman sneered. ‘Family. That’s all fake.’

       ‘Don’t you have a family?’

       ‘My mother told me to leave and never come back, so no, I don’t have a family.’

       ‘But you must have someone you care about.’ K’alla couldn’t imagine not having anyone who cared about her.

       ‘None of your business.’ The woman snapped. ‘You can tell your boss that too. I don’t have anything for him to exploit.’

       ‘I told you he’s not my boss.’

       ‘Right. You’re working for him cause you’re too much of a coward.’

       ‘What happened to your arm?’ K’alla asked, noticing how the woman was cradling her right arm across her body.

       ‘None of your business either.’ There was a sharp wince as she shifted.

       ‘Is it broken?’ She crouched down, trying to get a better look. The woman shied away, wincing again.

       ‘I said none of your business.’

       ‘I can get you some painkillers.’

       ‘So you can slip me poison? I don’t think so.’

       ‘Are all Time Lords this paranoid?’

       ‘It’s my job.’

        K’alla stood up. ‘Wait here.’

       ‘Like I’m going anywhere.’

       The woman looked up skeptically as K’alla returned with a small orange bottle. ‘Sorry there’s no water.’ She said, shaking out two pills and passing them through the bars.

       Since her left wrist was chained, the woman had to use her right hand to pop the pills in her mouth. She didn’t wince but her pained expression betrayed how much it hurt.

       ‘Thanks.’

       ‘Maybe you’ll be able to get some sleep.’

       ‘Maybe.’

       ‘Name’s Sallan, by the way.’ She heard the woman call as she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads this story. It really means a lot to me. There's a lot more in store so keep reading.


	9. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Come on, we have to go.’  
> ‘Go.’ She repeated slowly. ‘Go? Go where?’  
> ‘Go home, of course.’  
> She shook her head. ‘I can’t go.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that this cahpter contains descriptions of captvity and the effect it has on a person's mind.

      He shouldn’t be doing this, he knew. The fewer Monans that saw him, the better, but searching the building could take all night and he didn’t have that long. It had been almost four months without news now. The dart that had struck Sallan’s partner had contained some kind of potent poison that not even Micah, with all his skill and knowledge, could cure completely. It left the poor man’s mind in shambles, but from what they could tell, Sallan had apparently left to distract the guards, then vanished.

       Vansell had wanted to wait and assess the situation, but Narvin suspected he’d written Sallan off for dead, or thought her a traitor. He couldn’t believe that. His friend might be snarky at times, but her loyalty to the CIA was true. He wasn’t about to leave her to rot in some Monan dungeon, waiting for help that never came.

       The building had obviously been designed to prevent someone from breaking out rather than breaking in, so it was relatively easy to pick the lock and slip inside.

       The challenge came once he was inside. He had no idea where the cells were and it would be too dangerous to comb the building floor by floor, so he loitered in a dark alcove, waiting for one of the staff to pass. He’d gotten stiff and bored before someone finally came along. Darting out, he covered the Monan’s mouth with one hand and brought a knife to her throat with the other. Knives were much better than stasers in threatening someone, since you could actually hurt them if they didn’t cooperate.

       The Monan struggled and Narvin pressed the blade harder, enough to break the bright blue skin. The struggling stopped.

       ‘I just want to ask you something, then you can go.’ His Monan was rusty, but the gist of it was correct. ‘Nod if you understand.’

       His captive nodded slowly.

       ‘I’m going to take my hand away and you’re going to be quiet. Otherwise, my hand might just slip.’ He tapped the blade against the Monan’s throat.

       Another scared nod.

       He released her and the Monan turned around, raising a hand to her throat. Her fingers came away with blood and she stared at him.

       ‘Don’t worry, you’ll live.’

       ‘Are you here for your friend?’

       The question surprised him. ‘What?’

       ‘You’re a Time Lord, right? Have you come to get your friend?’

       ‘Yes. How did you know?’

       The Monan looked relieved. ‘I didn’t, but I hoped. She’s really sick. I think she might die soon.’ She started to walk away, tugging him along. ‘Come on. We don’t have much time.’

       Narvin had seen his fair share of injuries in his time at the CIA and he was no stranger to the sight of blood, but seeing Sallan made him sick to his stomach.

       Her clothes were so bloody that he couldn’t tell what color they were originally. Her long dark hair was dirty and matted , sticking together in places. She was sitting in the corner of her cell, knees drawn up to her chest and head buried in the crook of her left arm. Her right arm was lying across her stomach. She didn’t move as the Monan who’d introduced herself as K’alla, opened the door.

       Crouching down next to her, Narvin could feel the heat coming off of Sallan in waves. She was shivering too, minute tremors that shook her body. Gently, he tapped her shoulder. ‘Sallan.’ There was no response. ‘Sallan. Sal, wake up.’

       Nothing.

       Leaning forward, he blew into her ear, a gesture that was guaranteed to annoy her. Sallan gave a small whine, lifting her head and looking at him with glassy eyes.

       ‘Come on, we have to go.’

       ‘Go.’ She repeated slowly. ‘Go? Go where?’

       ‘Go home, of course.’

       She shook her head. ‘I can’t go.’

       ‘Why?’

       Sallan looked over at K’alla, her expression guarded. Narvin turned to the Monan. ‘Could you give us a moment, please?’

       ‘Why not?’ Narvin asked when the Monan had left.

       ‘There’s a microchip.’ Sallan whispered, gesturing to the side of her neck. There were scratch marks and the skin was red and irritated.

       ‘I tried to dig it out, but I don’t know where it is.’

       ‘Micah will get it. It won’t even be a challenge for him.’

       Sallan shook her head again, refusing to look him in the eye. ‘I can’t go with you. You’re not even real.’

       Reaching out, he touched her arm, causing her to finch away. ‘I am real. We have to go.’

       ‘No.’

       Narvin glanced at the door nervously. They didn’t have time for this. He grabbed her arm and tired to pull her up. Sallan let out a strangled yelp and tried to squirm out of his grasp. He let her go, not wanting to hurt her. She huddled into the corner again, eyes fixed on the floor.

       He crouched and she flinched again. ‘It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll get my transport and then we’ll go, okay?’

       She ignored him.

       ‘Can you talk to her?’ Narvin whispered to K’alla. ‘Try to explain?’

       ‘Where’re you going?’

       ‘I’m going to get my transport. If she won’t leave, I might have to force her and I don’t want to risk alerting the guards.’

       K’alla’s eyes darted to the end of the corridor. ‘Hurry. I don’t know when my boss might come.’

       ‘Thank you.’

       By the time he rematerialized inside the building, Sallan looked a lot calmer. She looked up as he entered the cell.

       ‘Ready to go?’

       She nodded, reaching out with her left hand. Her right arm was still held stiffly across her chest. Narvin suspected it was broken. Draping her arm across his shoulders, he helped her stand up, steadying her when she almost fell.

       ‘You have to walk to the end of the hall, okay?’

       It was slow going. Sallan could only walk a few steps at a time and by the time they got to Narvin’s transport she was almost completely leaning on him.

       ‘Thank you for helping.’ Narvin turned to K’alla as Sallan leaned against the door to catch her breath.

       ‘I just hope you two get back safely.’

       Sallan suddenly grabbed Narvin’s arm, her frightened gaze fixed on something over his shoulder. He turned around to see a tall Monan striding towards them, turquoise eyes gleaming.

       ‘Where do you think you’re going, sweetheart?’

       Narvin moved slightly, shielding Sallan. ‘ We’re going back to Gallifrey.’

       ‘She’s mine.’ He raised a hand and beckoned. ‘Come here.’

       Narvin shoved Sallan back as she started to move forward. Whipping out his staser, he shot the scientist in the chest, watching as smugness turned to horror and the lifeless body fell to the floor.

       Both Sallan and K’alla stared at him in shock.

       Narvin shrugged, opening the door and stepping inside. ‘You coming?’ He asked Sallan, who was still staring at the scientist’s body. She hesitated, then took his hand tentatively.

       ‘What should I do now?’ K’alla asked in an awe-struck voice.

       ‘Anything you want. But first, destroy all his research. Make sure there’s nothing left.’

       It was night when they arrived back on Gallifrey. There weren’t many people around and he thought Sallan would appreciate that. She wasn’t talking and that worried him, seeing as how she didn’t have any trouble talking to him when she thought he was a hallucination. She’d nod and do what he told her but she hadn’t said a single word since they left the Monan Host World.

       ‘Narvin.’

       ‘Hey.’ He said as Vansell came up.

       ‘That was a reckless thing to do.’

       ‘I know.’

       ‘But I’m glad you did it.’

       ‘Thanks.’

       ‘How is she?’

       Narvin sighed. ‘I don’t know. Micah’s been in there for two hours so it must be pretty bad.’

       As if on cue, the door opened and the doctor stepped out.

       ‘Is she alright?’

       ‘I’m surprised she’s still alive. She’s got pneumonia on top of a serious blood infection, not to mention the cracked ribs, broken arm and malnutrition. She’s dead exhausted too.’

       ‘But she’ll live?’

       ‘Don’t know. Have to see if she survives the night at least. It’s not good, not good at all.’ He looked at Narvin. ‘There’s the psychological trauma too. You should’ve seen the way she fought when I pulled out the sedative, thought she was going to kill me.’

       ‘Sedative?’

       Micah rubbed his brow. ‘I’m planning on keeping her sedated for a few days. Give her body time to heal. After that, we’ll see what kind of state her mind is in.’

       ‘What about the muteness?’

       ‘That’s a reaction to trauma. Some people just shut down, you see, thinks it’s safer that way. This is just muteness. I’ve seen people turn catatonic. Real nasty. You’ll just have to be patient. She’ll start talking when she’s ready.’

       The doctor looked Narvin in the eye and he had the impression that what he was about to say was very important. ‘She’ll need someone she trusts to help her through this. Recovery’s not going to be fun or easy, so I’ll expect you to show up.’

        ‘Of course.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the first part, next part's going to feature Sallan's recovery and living with PTSD. We'll also learn more about her time in captivity. The Monan scientist M'Orell's going to make some apperances too.


	10. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sallan woke to the all too familiar smell of disinfectant. How long was he going to continue this game? Fixing her up only to push her to the brink of death again and again. Why couldn’t he just let her die already?  
>  She wasn’t tied down, not that she had enough strength to do anything anyway. The fever had broken but her body still ached. She was tired. Her mind even more so. She heard the door open but didn’t open her eyes. Maybe if they thought she was asleep they would leave her alone. Whoever it was sat down at the foot of her bed, making the mattress dip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Sallan's POV. I'm using a lot of different POVs in this story because I want to create a sense of fullness.

       Sallan woke to the all too familiar smell of disinfectant. How long was he going to continue this game? Fixing her up only to push her to the brink of death again and again. Why couldn’t he just let her die already?

       She wasn’t tied down, not that she had enough strength to do anything anyway. The fever had broken but her body still ached. She was tired. Her mind even more so. She heard the door open but didn’t open her eyes. Maybe if they thought she was asleep they would leave her alone. Whoever it was sat down at the foot of her bed, making the mattress dip.

       ‘Come on. I know you’re awake.’

       Sallan stayed completely still, wishing he’d go away.

       ‘You want to know how I know? Cause there’s something called a hearts monitor.

       Hearts, plural. That got her attention. The Monan doctors had always guessed at the right heartsrate, nearly killing her several times.

       Opening an eye, she peeked at the stranger.

       Micah smiled at her. ‘I knew you were listening. Is it okay if I come over there?’

       Sallan threw the covers over her head with a loud groan. They were using her own memories against her now, either that or she was on some serious drugs. She shut her eyes tightly, wishing the nightmare would end but not wanting to wake up either.

       ‘Hey. It’s okay.’ She heard fake Micah say. ‘Just asking. I’ll stay over here if you want.’ He certainly sounder like Micah. She felt a hand on her shoulder and flinched.

       ‘Relax. Relax. I just want to show you something. Can you give me your hand?’

       She hesitated. She didn’t want to leave the safety of the blankets, but she knew from past experience that she didn’t really have a say in these things. Pushing the covers back, she sat up slowly, keeping her gaze on the white sheets. Slowly, she held out her left hand.

       The doctor placed it on his wrist, pressing slightly so she could feel the throbbing of the double pulse. ‘See. 100% real and Gallifreyian.’

       She risked a quick glance at him. He looked like the real thing, right down to the scar on the bridge of his nose from walking into a glass door because he was too busy thinking about a case. She wanted to believe it was him, but she’d had these kinds of dreams and it all seemed to end the same way, with her waking up in misery.

       She jumped as Micah held out something. It was his staff card. ‘You can’t read things in dreams. Can you read that?’

       The card felt solid and the writing was Gallifreyian. It wasn’t fuzzy around the edges either. Sallan felt a spark of hope. Maybe this was real. Maybe she was finally out. She nodded.

       ‘There you go. Is it okay if I sit?’

       She shifted over slightly and he perched on the edge. ‘You’ve been asleep for two days. We were scared you weren’t going to make it. Narvin’s been asking about you. You remember him, right?’

       Of course she remembered Narvin. She remembered him coming to get her and the trip back to Gallifrey. Something had happened in between but she couldn’t remember what it was. The whole thing had a hazy, dreamlike quality to it.

       Suddenly she remembered the microchip, reaching up to the side of her neck, she felt her fingers brush thread.

       A hand reached over and gently pulled her hand away. ‘Don’t worry about that. I got it out and disabled it. It was wedged in pretty deep so try not to touch it, okay?’

       Micah picked up something from the bedside table. It was a small tablet, with a pen attached to it. ‘I got you this. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just write it down.’

       He looked at her. ‘I have to check your dressings too.’

       She gave him a wide-eyed stare, feeling her chest start to constrict.

       ‘It’ll be quick, I promise. I won’t do it if you really don’t want me to, but it’s better if I give them a glance.’

       She nodded, bracing herself and trying to take deep breaths.

       Micah checked her wounds briskly, lingering as little as possible on each one. She got a twitchy when her neck, but managed to stay still.

       ‘There. Wasn’t too bad, was it?’

       She shrugged.

       ‘I got you something else too. I know you don’t like needles.’

       She watched warily as he pulled a stack of tranquilizer patches out of the pocket of his coat. ‘These aren’t as potent but I thought you’d appreciate them.’

       He stood up slowly. ‘Alright, I’ll leave you to get some rest now. There’s TV and radio if you don’t feel like sleeping. Do you want me to leave the door open a bit?’

       She stared at him, wondering what the appropriate choice was.

       ‘I’ll leave it open then. Call me if you change your mind.’

       Sallan didn’t notice how exhausted she was until she lay on the bed. She didn’t want to sleep. If it was truly over, then it wouldn’t be much longer before the nightmares began. Her body seemed to have other ideas. As soon as she pulled the blankets around herself, she felt her eyelids start to fall shut. Within seconds, she was asleep.

      


	11. I‘m Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he could say was ‘I’m sorry.’, but he knew that no amount of sorrys was ever going to change what had happened.

       Narvin hesitated as he raised a hand to knock. He hadn’t seen Sallan in a week and he had no idea what her state of mind was. Micah had warned him that she would be jumpy. He’d also been told not to be offended if she didn’t recognize him immediately.

       There was no response when he knocked, so he quietly pushed the door open.

       Sallan was sitting in a chair by the window, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger absently. She looked better than when he had last seen her. The blood was gone and her hair had been untangled, though it looked thinner that he remembered. Her wrists were covered in white bandages and he imagined her ribs had been similarly wrapped. Her eyes were dull and glassy, staring vacantly at nothing in particular. She looked worn, exhausted.

       Narvin coughed and she jumped, turning to stare at him with wild eyes. There was no recognition.

       ‘Hey, buddy. Remember me?’

       Sallan blinked a few times. Lucidity returned to her eyes slowly.

       ‘Can I sit?’

       Sallan pointed to the empty bed. Still not talking then. Micah had said she would start talking when she was ready, exactly when that would be the doctor didn’t know. Narvin sat and Sallan went back to staring into space.

       ‘How are you feeling?’

       Sallan looked at him. Not directly at him, Narvin noticed. She was looking in his general direction, but not making eye contact. Picking up a pen from the table in front of her, she wrote something on a tablet, then held it up to show him the shaky handwriting.

       _Okay_

‘I just asked a stupid question, didn’t I?’

       She thought about that, then nodded. Narvin smiled, at least she still had her sense of humor.

       ‘Do you want to see something?’

       _Okay_

       ‘I’ll just get my cards.’ He reached into his pocket, pulling out his deck slowly, feeling Sallan’s eyes on him the entire time. ‘I haven’t had a lot of practice so don’t laugh, okay?’

       He flicked his wrist, fanning out the cards like a peacock’s tail. Sallan tipped her head, looking intrigued. Narvin grinned and flicked his wrist the other way. Sallan let out a soft laugh as the cards fell.

       ‘You said you wouldn’t laugh.’

       _Didn’t say_

       ‘You know what I meant.’ He stuffed the cards back into his pocket.

       _Question_

‘You want to ask me a question?’

       Sallan nodded, looking nervous.

       ‘Go ahead.’

       He waited patiently as she scribbled on the tablet, writing then scratching it out. Finally, she held it up. There was a single word.

       _Why?_

       ‘I’m sorry. I don’t understand.’

       She looked away, then wrote two more words.

       _Too long._

       Oh. Narvin swallowed uncomfortably. Sallan was asking why they had taken so long to rescue her. He wasn’t sure what to say. How could he explain? That her partner had messed up? That Vansell hadn’t taken immediate action? He reached over and turned on the radio, trying to distract her.

       Sallan frowned. She tapped the tablet with her pen, looking at him expectantly.

       ‘You’re sure you want to know. It’s not pleasant.’

       She tapped the tablet again.

       Narvin took a deep breath. There was no way out of this. He shifted. ‘Well, you see, your partner showed up two months after you two left. He’d been poisoned. It affected his mind and Micah, he, uh, couldn’t cure him.’ Sallan was watching him intently. ‘It took two more months for him to make enough sense to tell us about you. Vansell wanted to wait.’ He cast a quick glance at Sallan. She was staring out the window.

       ‘I’m sorry.’

       Sallan blinked and a single tear fell. She reached up and wiped her hand across her face, looking down at the wetness. The silent tears soon gave way to sobs. Narvin stood and wrapped her in a hug. She tried to push him away but he held on and she soon gave up, sinking against him.

       ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ He murmured as she cried. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry you have to live with it.’ Sallan was shaking now. ‘I’m sorry we didn’t come sooner. We let you down.’ He glanced towards the door to make sure it was still closed. ‘I’m sorry Vansell is such a stupid, egotistic idiot.’

       All he could say was ‘I’m sorry.’, but he knew that no amount of sorrys was ever going to change what had happened.


	12. No Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘What did you dream about? It seemed pretty intense.’  
> Him  
> ‘Him again, huh?’ Micah asked as he rubbed disinfectant around the edges of the wound. ‘What happened?’  
> Here  
> ‘He was here?’

       Sallan sighed as she shifted, reveling in the softness of the mattress. It was certainly a step-up from recent accommodation. Images of damp stones and sterile white labs sprang forth, making her shudder. No. No. With a tremendous mental effort, she shoved them to the back of her mind. It was over. She was safe now. There was no need to dwell on the past.

       From outside she could hear soft footsteps, broken by the sound of doors opening and shutting. Her body tensed instinctively, even though she knew it was only Micah doing his nightly rounds. She listened as the footsteps passed her door and gradually faded. Taking deep breaths to calm her pounding hearts, she closed her eyes and slept.

       ‘Hello, my sweet.’

       Sallan opened her eyes to see M’Orell standing by her bedside, looking down at her with a sparkle in his turquoise eyes. ‘Did you miss me?’

       She squeezed her eyes shut, willing him to disappear. This had to be a dream. He was dead. She saw him die. This couldn’t be real.

       She flinched as she felt a hand on her face. ‘You’re not dreaming. It’s really me. Did you really think I’d be stupid enough to get myself shot?’

       Sallan’s hearts were threatening to burst out of her chest. Her breath was rapid and shaky. Blood roared in her ears, almost drowning out the Monan’s soft voice.

       ‘You have such pretty eyes. I’d like to see them.’

       Sallan kept her eyes shut. If she couldn’t see him, then he couldn’t be real. It was illogical, she knew, but her mind wasn’t functioning and her instincts were screaming at her to keep her eyes closed. The darkness was infinitely better than the smirking Monan.

       M’Orell’s voice hardened. ‘I said look at me.’ He grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled, pain shooting through her skull. She opened her eyes and stared at him in terror. Her mouth fell open in a panicked pant.

       Sallan had never hated not being able to speak so much. She couldn’t shout, couldn’t scream, couldn’t do anything. Her voice was locked somewhere deep inside of her, where it had retreated at some point during the torture and only time could tell when it would return. She tried to say something, but all that came out was a whimper. M’Orell chuckled.

       ‘Cat got your tongue? Don’t worry. You’ll have no use for it where we’re going.’

       Where they were going? Sallan yelped as the Monan grabbed her and tried to haul her out of the hospital bed. She twisted and squirmed, cursing her newly healed right arm for not being strong enough to hold onto the sheets.

       M’Orell suddenly let go and she fell, trying to squirm away, to put as much distance between her and the monstrosity. He grabbed the back of her shirt and pulled her back, holding her against him with an arm around her chest.

       ‘Looks like you’ve gotten a little too comfortable. I’ll have to punish you for that.’

       Sallan gasped as she felt the tip of a blade against her hip, right on top of her newly healed wound. There was a blinding white light as the blade plunged in. Through the ringing in her ears, she heard a voice shouting.

       ‘Wake up. Sallan, wake up. Come on, you have to wake up.’

       Sallan sat bolt upright, drenched in a cold sweat. Her clothes were plastered to her body, as was her hair. Her hands hurt and she realized she had been gripping the sheets with a death grip.

       ‘Sallan?’

       She whirled around, looking for the source of the voice. There was someone sitting in the chair by the bed. The stranger was wearing a white coat. Her thoughts instantly jumped to M’Orell. Her terror must have shown because the stranger slowly held up his hands, giving her a small smile.

       ‘Woah. Woah. Easy. It’s me, Micah. Remember?’

       Sallan frowned. He seemed familiar, but she couldn’t remember where she’d seen him. She looked down at the blood seeping through her shirt. She prodded at it, wincing.

       ‘Here. Let me.’

       She flinched back as the stranger extended a hand towards the wound. He quickly retreated.

       ‘It’s okay. I’m not trying to hurt you. You’re perfectly safe here. I just want to take a look.’ He held out a tablet and pen. ‘Okay?’

       _Okay_

       She shifted closer to the light, watching him carefully as he gently lifted the edge of the shirt. He stared at it for a moment, then breathed out through his nose.

       ‘Well, you’ve torn your stitches. I’ll need to redo them.’

       She shook her head, pulling the shirt out of his grip.

       ‘I have to stitch it up, otherwise it won’t heal.’ He reached forward and she made a low, distressed sound in the back of her throat. She didn’t want him touching it.

       Micah ran a hand through his hair. ‘Sallan, please, let me stitch it up. If I don’t it might get infected and I’m not sure your body can handle another round of that. It won’t hurt, I promise it won’t. If it hurts then I’ll never touch you again.’ He gave her another small smile. ‘What do you think?’

       Sallan regarded him suspiciously. He didn’t seem like he wanted to hurt her, but the meaning of M’Orell was still fresh in her mind. She pulled her shirt down further.

       Micah sighed. She saw him glance towards the stack of tranquilizer patches sitting on her bedside table. Was he going to try and sedate her? She let out a growl and his gaze snapped back.

       ‘Tell you what, I’ll go get some supplies. You think about it, okay?’

       Sallan knew her was right. The wound needed to be stitched up or it would become infected. She learned against the backboard, taking deep breaths and trying to work up the courage to say yes.

       She was startled by the sound of the door opening. Micah set his things down. ‘What do you say?’

       She lifted her shirt, exposing the wound.

       ‘What did you dream about? It seemed pretty intense.’

       _Him_

       ‘Him again, huh?’ Micah asked as he rubbed disinfectant around the edges of the wound. ‘What happened?’

       _Here_

       ‘He was here?’

       Sallan nodded, tensing as Micah injected the anesthetic. ‘Relax. Relax.’ He murmured. She shut her eyes. She could still see him, as clearly as she was seeing Micah.

       ‘Hey. It’s okay. He’s gone.’ Micah said softly

       She shook her head. He was still here.’

       ‘Sallan, he’s gone. He’s dead. He’s never coming back. You’re safe here.’ The doctor’s voice was still soft.

       She opened her eyes. Reaching over, she wrote two shaky words.

       _Not dead._

       ‘Even if he’s not dead, he can’t get to you here. Nothing can get past the transduction barriers, right?’

       _Right_

       ‘So there’s no way for him to hurt you, dead or alive. I’m pretty sure he’s dead, though.      Narvin’s a great shot.’

       _Great_

       ‘Yeah. I don’t think he’d miss.’

       ‘Try to get some more sleep, okay?’ Micah said as he finished stitching.

       Sallan shook her head. She didn’t want to sleep. She didn’t want to be trapped with her memories again.

       ‘Do you want some water? Or maybe some food? You hardly ate anything at dinner.’

       Sallan shook her head again. Her stomach felt too weak to hold anything down and she really didn’t fancy throwing up.

       ‘How about TV? I’m afraid there’s nothing good in the middle of the night, though.’

       _TV_

       Micah smiled. ‘Okay. Just try not to be too loud.’ He switched it on. It was an old romance movie. The plot was cheesy and the acting wasn’t great either, but Sallan didn’t mind. It was as far from her current situation as could be.

       After helping her get comfortable by propping up the pillows, Micah left, leaving the door ajar as he always did. Sallan stayed up, listening to the quiet sounds of the medbay until the sons rose and orange light flooded he room.


	13. Broken Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I missed talking to you. Really talking to you. I know you think this is safer, but you can’t stay like this forever. You have to try, okay? We can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on.

       ‘Good morning.’

       Sallan blinked dazedly. She’d fallen asleep sometime in the early hours of the morning, unable to keep her eyes open any longer. She’d only meant to close them for a little while, apparently her body had other ideas.

       Narvin looked worried. ‘Sorry. Did I wake you?’

       She shook her head.

       ‘Really? You look like you need sleep.’

       Sallan rolled her eyes. She was fine. Just fine. Besides, the headaches were infinitely better compared to the dreams.

       Narvin sat down and pulled out his cards. ‘What do you want to play today?’

       This was why she liked spending time with him. He never pushed, never tried to make her do things she didn’t want to. Even Micah, well-intentioned though he may be, wanted her to get ‘better’. She felt like she was letting him down, not being able to do the one thing he wanted. Narvin wasn’t like that. He didn’t seem to mind that it was one step forward, two steps back with her. He came every day, sometimes to play cards and sometimes to talk, even though it was mostly him talking.

       _Poker_

       ‘Again? Don’t you want to play anything else?’

       _No_

       ‘Okay. Let’s play poker. But don’t throw your cards when you lose, okay?’

       _No promises._

       ‘No promises. That’s reassuring.’

       They played in silence for a while. The radio playing in the ground was tuned to a music station.

       ‘Heard you haven’t been sleeping.’

       Sallan kept her eyes on her cards. She was afraid to look up, afraid of what she would find. Anger? Disappointment?

       _I’m fine_

       ‘I’m not saying you’re not. I’m just saying you could try taking a nap during the day. That might help.’

       He didn’t understand. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw M’Orell’s leering face. It didn’t matter if she was asleep or awake.

       ‘Or we could go for a walk. Fresh air might be good for you. It’s better than being stuck in here, anyway.’

       She jerked, nearly dropping her cards. The thought of going outside, of all that open space, frightened her. It was too unpredictable. She thought back to her dream. The memory of opening her mouth and not being able to make a sound.

       Narvin reached out and grabbed her wrist to steady her. ‘It’s okay. It’s okay. Forget I said that. We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to.’

       She didn’t want to. On the other hand, staying inside didn’t exactly thrill her either.

       Narvin riffled through his cards. ‘I wish we could talk.’

       Sallan frowned. What was he talking about? Of course they could talk. She tapped her tablet pointedly.

       Narvin gave her a sad smile. ‘No, Sal. I mean actually talk.’ He came around and sat beside her. ‘I missed talking to you. Really talking to you. I know you think this is safer, but you can’t stay like this forever. You have to try, okay? We can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on.’ He put an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into the warmth. ‘It hurts. I know it hurts. What he did to you will never be okay, but you can’t keep it all inside. Sooner or later it’s going to become too much. You have to try to find your way back.’

       The radio crackled as a cheery song came on. With one arm still flung around her shoulders, Narvin reached over with the other to turn it off.

       ‘Don’t.’ Sallan said, surprised by her own voice.

       Narvin looked at her with amazement.

       ‘It’s a good song.’

       He was still staring at her with that look of surprise and bewilderment. It was starting to make her self-conscious. ‘Yeah. Yeah. Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay?’ She muttered, looking away.

       ‘I’m not. I…I’m really happy.’ He tried to change the subject. ‘Do you really like this song?’

       ‘You don’t? You call yourself a Patrexes?’

       ‘You call _yourself_ a Patrexes. That song’s terrible.’

       ‘I have great taste in music.’ Sallan felt more like her old self, something she thought was gone forever.

       Narvin smiled, a grin that lit up like the sun.

       ‘What’s so funny?’

       ‘Nothing. It’s just wonderful to hear you talking again.’

       Sallan felt a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. ‘Pretty soon you’ll wish I hadn’t.’

       ‘I don’t think I could ever wish for that.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Do you want to keeping playing poker or should we play something else?’

       ‘We could play Go Fish.’

       Narvin grinned again. ‘So you can watch me beat you?’

       ‘When have you ever done that?’

       He reached over and pulled her into a hug. ‘I’ve missed you.’

       ‘Me too.’


	14. One Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sallan looked like she was about to collapse at any second. Her golden eyes were heavy with exhaustion and she kept shaking her head in an attempt to stay awake. Narvin shifted so she could lean against him. ‘Why don’t you try to get some more sleep?’  
> ‘I don’t want to. I’m fine.’  
> ‘You don’t look fine to me.’  
> ‘I’m fine.’ She snapped, trying to get up. Narvin tightened his grip ever so slightly.  
> ‘If you don’t want to sleep, at least rest your eyes a bit.’  
> ‘I don’t-I don’t want to.’  
> ‘You don’t have to sleep. Just close your eyes.’  
> ‘Fine.’ She huffed, resting her head on his shoulder. She was out in less than ten seconds.

       He found her in the day room, sitting on the window seat. The summer sun shone on her dark hair, turning it golden. She looked up at him with dull bronze eyes.

       ‘Hey.’

       ‘Hi.’ She shifted over slightly, just enough for him to sit down. The window seat wasn’t really designed for two, so he ended up with one leg hanging off the edge.

       ‘What are you doing here?’

       ‘Hiding from the therapist.’ Sallan muttered, clutching the tablet in her lap like a drowning person hanging onto a piece of wood.

       He sensed there was something else going on. The window seat was secluded, yes, but it was hardly invisible. And it wasn’t as if the therapist wouldn’t know where to look, since the day room was where most of the patients went when they were upset. But if Sallan didn’t want to tell him, then he wouldn’t push. That would only make her clam up more, he knew. So he simply nodded. ‘Therapy’s hard.’

       ‘I know. He wanted to talk about what happened…there.’ She let out a slightly hysterical laugh. ‘There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t-I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget everything.’

       ‘I know.’

       ‘I’d rather talk to you. It’s easier. You always know what to say.’

       Narvin blinked. He didn’t know what to say or do half of the time. The only things he knew was that Sallan would talk when she was ready and that there was no point in rubbing her the wrong way or forcing her to do things that made her uncomfortable.

       ‘I know I’m supposed to talk about it. It’s not good to keep it all bottled up, I know. I know. I just-I can’t. I can’t do it. It’s too hard.’

       ‘It’s okay. No one’s going to make you talk if you don’t want to.’ He glanced at the tablet held in a white-knuckled grip. ‘Are there any games on that?’ He asked, trying to get off the subject of therapists.

       ‘What?’ She stared at it for a minute. ‘It’s got chess, I think.’

       ‘Do you want to play?’

       ‘Sure.’

       Sallan seemed to relax as they placed, focusing on the game rather than whatever seemed to be bothering her. Even so, she would stare into space every few moves and Narvin had to click his fingers or call her name to get her to refocus.’

       ‘It wasn’t about the therapist.’ She said after a few games.

       ‘No?’ He tried to sound casual, like it wasn’t a big deal.

       ‘No. It was something else.’

       ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

       ‘No. It’s-It’s stupid. You’ll laugh.’

       ‘You can tell me. I promise I won’t laugh.’

       Sallan reached up to brush a strand of loose hair out of her face. She took a deep breath, shaking slightly. ‘You really won’t laugh?’

       ‘I won’t. Whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t stupid at all.’

       ‘Okay. There was this doctor today, not Micah, someone else. I don’t know his name. He didn’t knock. He just came in. I wasn’t sleeping-I swear I wasn’t. I was just resting my eyes and I must have zoned out. He touched me and I-I ummm I freaked out.’ She cast a quick glance at him, perhaps to see if he was angry. ‘Anyway, I must have bolted. It’s all fuzzy. I actually have no idea how I ended up here. It’s just a big blank, you know what I mean? I’m-I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.’

       ‘What for?’

       “I shouldn’t have lost control. He wasn’t doing anything wrong and I overacted. I probably scared him.’

       She was shaking now, her breath coming in short, shaky gasps. Narvin reached over and pulled her closer, relieved when she didn’t flinch away. ‘It’s okay. Calm down. Calm down. You didn’t do anything wrong.’

       ‘But I should’ve known he was coming.’

       ‘How? He didn’t knock. How could you have known?’

       ‘I should have.’ She repeated. ‘I made a mistake.’

       ‘It’s okay. We all make mistakes.’

       ‘Are you angry?’ She could barely look him in the eye.

       ‘No. No. Look at me. No one’s angry with you. It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time. No one’s going to be angry with you or hurt you, okay?’

       ‘I shouldn’t have been sleeping in the middle of the day either.’

       He gave her shoulder a quick squeeze. ‘There’s nothing wrong with sleeping during the day. If you’re tired, you sleep. You don’t have to be ashamed of that.’ She gave him a disbelieving look. ‘Besides, he’s the one who barged in without knocking. If anyone should be sorry, it’s him.’ That got him a small smile.

       Sallan looked like she was about to collapse at any second. Her golden eyes were heavy with exhaustion and she kept shaking her head in an attempt to stay awake. Narvin shifted so she could lean against him. ‘Why don’t you try to get some more sleep?’

       ‘I don’t want to. I’m fine.’

       ‘You don’t look fine to me.’

       ‘I’m fine.’ She snapped, trying to get up. Narvin tightened his grip ever so slightly.

       ‘If you don’t want to sleep, at least rest your eyes a bit.’

       ‘I don’t-I don’t want to.’

       ‘You don’t have to sleep. Just close your eyes.’

       ‘Fine.’ She huffed, resting her head on his shoulder. She was out in less than ten seconds.

       ‘Told you you needed sleep.’ He whispered softly.

       Narvin sat there, rubbing her arm and humming softly, until the suns began to set. He looked over as the door creaked open. His body felt stiff from half sitting on the window seat for so long, but he didn’t dare move for fear of waking his friend. Sallan was, thankfully, still asleep. Between the nightmares and her own stubbornness, she needed all the sleep she could get.

       Micah padded over quietly. ‘How is she?’

       ‘Okay, I guess. Who’s this new doctor she was telling me about?’

       The doctor grimaced. ‘That was one of my trainees. He really did think she was asleep. I told him to be more careful next time.’

       ‘Actually, it might be better if the only doctor she saw was you. She’s obviously not comfortable with strangers and the less people involved in this the better. She might actually hurt someone next time.’

       Micah nodded. ‘I understand.’

       ‘She doesn’t seem very happy with the idea of therapy either.’ That was a bit of an understatement. All field agents hated therapy, they preferred to ‘drink till they forget’ as Sallan put it so eloquently.

       Micah smiled. ‘I’ve got a solution for that. She trusts you, obviously. So I was thinking she could talk to you instead.’

       ‘Me?’

       ‘Don’t worry. I’ll give you some training, but what she really needs is someone she trusts, someone who’ll listen and not judge. Think you can do that?’

       ‘I can do that.’

       ‘Good. I’ll see you two later.’

       Narvin watched the doctor leave, then went back to humming. He’d gone through all the Gallifreyian songs he knew, so now he was moving on to the few Earth songs Vansell had taught him.

       He wondered if he was really the best person for the job. Sallan was his friend and he cared about her very much, but he had a feeling that many of the things that she had went through would be hard to listen to. That is, if she wanted to talk at all.

       Sallan shifted in his arms and he stopped humming. Honey-colored eyes blinked up at him.

       ‘Do you feel better now?’

       ‘Yeah.’ She yawned. ‘Thanks.’

       ‘You’re welcome.’ He stood up. ‘Come on. I think it almost time for dinner.’

       ‘I’m not feeling hungry.’ Sallan grumbled as she followed him out.

       ‘Try.’


	15. Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘He’s-He’s still here.’  
>  ‘He’s not here. It’s just you and me.’

       Narvin had actually convinced her to go for a walk. It was supposed to be a short trip to the gardens and back, nothing eventful. They’d walked the same route thousands of times, but that was before…. everything.

       Sallan hadn’t wanted to go through the woods. There was too much cover and it made her claustrophobic, which was stupid. Once she had walked into danger without any backup and hadn’t batted an eye, but now the thought of walking a tree-lined road made her sick with dread. But she didn’t want Narvin to know she was scared. He was so patient, infinitely more than she deserved. He came to see her every day. He spent time with her. She knew he must be seriously lagging behind in his work but every time she brought it up he shrugged and said he didn’t have anything to do anyway. All she wanted right now was for things to go back to normal, so he could go on with his life. She was a wreck, she knew. The great assassin, scared of her own shadow.

       ‘You don’t have to coddle me, you know.’ She grumbled. They were walking so slowly it could hardly be called walking. Even so, she was getting exhausted and her legs felt like they would give out at any moment.

       ‘I’m not. It’s called walking. It’s supposed to be slow.’ Narvin kicked at a pebble on the ground, watching it bounce away with an amused expression.

       Sallan wondered how he could be so even-tempered with her, especially since she seemed to be constantly taking her anger and frustration out on him.

       ‘I just want to get back.’

       ‘Okay.’

       There was a muffled bang from somewhere beyond the trees.

       She couldn’t remember what happened next. The world blurred and turned black. By the time her vision cleared, she found herself slumping against the trunk of a tree.

       ‘Sallan, what’s wrong? What’s happening?’ Narvin’s voice sounded somewhere to her right. He sounded worried, scared.

       She closed her eyes and moaned.

       ‘Hey. Come on. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. Can I touch you?’

       Sallan couldn’t find the energy to respond. She felt like she was underwater, trying to reach the surface only to have it recede further and further. She was running out of air.

       Someone touched her shoulder. She yelped and tried to shy away. ‘No. No. Don’t. Please. No.’ She rasped.

       ‘It’s just me.’ She heard Narvin’s voice again, soft and gentle. ‘It’s just little old me.’ He murmured as he sat beside her, leaving some space between them so she wouldn’t be spooked. ‘Deep breaths, okay? In, out. In.out.’

       ‘I-I can’t.’ She felt like she was going to pass out.

       ‘You can. It’s easy. In through your nose, out through your mouth. You can do it. Come on.’

       Sallan took a shaky breath.

       ‘There you go. You’re doing it. Just keep going. In, out.’

       After a few more breaths, she felt her hearts slow down. The blood was no longer rushing in her ears and she opened her eyes tentatively. The world was, thankfully, solid.

       ‘Are you okay now?’

       ‘I guess.’ Her stomach still felt a little queasy.

       ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

       ‘No.’

       ‘Was it something I said? Something I did?’

       ‘No. It wasn’t you. It was me. It’s always me.’ She swallowed. ‘I was being stupid.’

       ‘Don’t say that.’

       ‘It’s true. I am being stupid. This whole thing is stupid. Every little thing sets me on edge and I hate it. I hate it, but I can’t make it stop. I’m surprised you’re still putting up with me.’

       She stopped. She hadn’t meant to say that. It made her sound like a petulant child, like an ungrateful parasite. She took a deep breath.

       Narvin waited patiently.

       ‘Can you tell me what happened?’

       Why did he want to know so badly? It was so dumb, but she knew if she didn’t get it over with he’d keep asking.

       ‘Okay. You really want to know? Sometimes he’d drive me to this huge forest and leave me there. Him and his group of thugs would roam around, trying to see who could catch me first. It wasn’t a fair fight, cause of the chip. Sometimes I’d refuse to play their game and then they’d-they’d give me a beating. A really bad beating. So when I heard that bang, I thought- ‘She stopped, unable to make herself go on.

       ‘You thought it was them.’

       ‘Yeah.’ She forced a laugh. ‘Stupid, right?’

       ‘No.’

       Sallan looked at him, then leaned over and seized him in a desperate embrace, tears streaming down her face. She expected him to push her away, to tell her to stop being so stupid and needy.

       Narvin grunted in surprise, but instead of pushing her away, he pulled her closer, rubbing small circles into her back. ‘It’s okay. It’s okay. Just let it out. You’ll feel better then, I promise.’

       ‘He’s-He’s still here.’

       ‘He’s not here. It’s just you and me.’

       Distantly she heard the sound of footsteps. She let out a shriek and buried her face in Narvin’s shoulder. ‘They’re coming.’ She whimpered.

       ‘They’re not. I promise they’re not. Would I lie to you, huh? Would I do that?’

       The footsteps were coming closer. She felt Narvin tighten his grip, perhaps to stop her from panicking and running off.

       ‘Can’t you two do that somewhere private? Some of us are trying to enjoy our evening.’

       ‘Shove off.’ She heard Narvin snarl.

       The stranger moved off, muttering something about ‘disgraceful’ and ‘entitled CIA idiots’.

       ‘You didn’t have to do that.’ She choked. The tears had given way to dry sobs. Her throat burned.

       ‘I know.’ He pulled away and looked her in the eye, keeping his grip on her shoulders. ‘Feel better now?’

       ‘Yeah.’ She wiped at her face. ‘I’ve run out of tears anyway.’

       ‘Let’s sit here for a while. It’s nice.’

       Sallan gave him a grateful smile. She didn’t want to go back just yet. People would see her red eyes and they would ask questions, questions she couldn’t answer.

       ‘It hurts.’ She said quietly.

       ‘I know, but it will get better. You’ll see. It’ll get better.’

       ‘When? When is it going to get better?’

       ‘I don’t know when. I just know it’s going to happen.’

       Sallan felt anger bubbling up inside her. ‘You seem to have an awful lot of faith in something you can’t even predict. Do you know how hard it is, being tired every day because nightmares are keeping you awake? Jumping at every little noise? It’s embarrassing. I just want it to stop. I just want it to be over already. How can you be so sure it’ll get better? How can you say something like that?’

       ‘Because I have faith in you.’ That stopped her up short. ‘ A few weeks ago you couldn’t even leave your room, now you’re taking a walk. That’s progress. That’s you getting better. Isn’t that great?’

       ‘That’s not enough. I still panicked.’

       He pulled her into another hug. ‘You have to be patient with yourself. These things don’t happen overnight. It happens with one little thing at a time and you’ve come so far already. You can keep going, but you have to have patience.’

       ‘You can’t keep doing this forever. You can’t be here to comfort me every time I panic. I have to get better faster.’

       ‘There’s no rush. I want to help.’

       ‘You have important work to do.’

       ‘You’re important too. You’re my friend and I hate to see you suffer.’

       ‘No one said you had to watch.’ She muttered sulkily.

       ‘That’s not what I meant. You don’t have to do this all alone. You’re allowed to have help.’

       Sallan wanted to believe him. He had so much faith in her, but what if she was too far gone, like a jigsaw with a missing piece.

       ‘Do you want to go get sandwiches tomorrow? It’s the two for one special.’

       The question caught her off guard, snapping her out of her reverie. ‘What?’

       ‘Sandwiches. You want to go?’

       ‘You still want to go places with me? After what happened today?’

       ‘It’s better than being stuck inside.’

       ‘Okay, I suppose I’ll go.’

       Narvin smiled. ‘Great. I’ll see you tomorrow.’


	16. Demons Stalk Us In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘How? Can you make them magically disappear?’ She sighed. ‘I can’t learn to deal with it if I run to you every time I mess up. You’re not a crutch and you don’t deserve to be. You’ve goy your own problems and you shouldn’t have to deal with my problems too.’  
>  ‘I don’t think that’s how it works. I know you can take care of yourself, but you can ask for help if you need it.’  
>  ‘Then what? You’re not going to be able to do this forever. What happens when you get sick and tired and I promise you will be? I’m broken and you can’t fix me, no matter how hard you try. I’m just not the person I was 6 months ago. One day you’ll figure that out and then you’ll-you’ll-‘ She choked on the words.  
>  ‘I’ll what?’  
>  ‘You’ll stop. You’ll pack up and move on. It’ll hurt, I know that, so it’s better if we both accept that as soon as possible. I’m hopeless and you have to stop trying, cause if you keep taking care of me, I won’t know how to do it for myself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains sexual assault. It's not graphic or anything, but I felt like I should warn you guys.

       It was a vicious cycle. Her body needed sleep, yet every time she closed her eyes the nightmares would come, which meant she needed more sleep, which in turn led to more nightmares.

       She’d wake up at various times during the night, hearts pounding and drenched in sweat. The darkness was stifling and more than once she woke up not knowing where she was, found herself back in her cell, waiting for the inevitable.

       The whole thing was humiliating. She couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t stop herself from dreaming. She couldn’t stop herself from reacting. Some nights, the dreams would begin as soon as she closed her eyes. Other nights, she found herself lying in bed staring at the dark ceiling, wondering how she could be so pathetic and useless.

       She kept all this from Narvin, of course. He had enough on his plate without her and her problem. He’d ask and she’d always grin and lie. It was pathetic. This wasn’t how a Time Lord, much less a CIA agent was supposed to act. She wasn’t good for anything more, a broken, washed-out shelf of her former self, not deserving of kindness and certainly not worthy of help. Somewhere in her hearts she hoped that if she said it enough he would believe it and leave her alone. She had to push him away, for her sake as much as his. It would hurt, she knew, when he finally decided that she was hopeless and leave.

       Even so, there were times when she woke from a dream wracked with guilt over how she was keeping it from her best friend.

       The dreams usually followed the same pattern. She would find herself back in her cell, being subject to some form of torture, trying to scream but being unable to make a sound, while the Monan stood to the side making sinister observations.

       Tonight was different.

       The dream took place on Gallifrey. One moment she was walking with Narvin in the gardens, under golden sunshine and air that smelled like hope. He was talking, but she couldn’t quite make out the words.

       Suddenly, he was there, pressing her into the ground, so close that she could see the manic gleam in his blue eyes. This wasn’t right. He wasn’t supposed to be here. This was her sanctuary, the one place she knew she would be safe.

       Narvin had gone, but she could hear his voice, calling her name. She squirmed and twisted, trying to break free. She opened her mouth to yell, but a sweaty hand clamped over her jaws, silencing her.

       The weight above her increased, keeping her pinned down. The cold earth was pressed against her spine, forming a sharp contrast with the hot and heavy body on top of her. Narvin was still calling and she let out a muffled whine.

       ‘Leave her, Narvin. She’s not worth your time.’

       Her eyes widened as she heard Vansell’s voice. Narvin called one last time, then went silent.

       The hand over her mouth vanished and she suck in a deep breath, trying to call out, to get him to come back, but her voice had abandoned her. The figure started tearing at her clothes and she shut her eyes tightly. She knew what was going to happen and she absolutely did not want to watch.

       Pain exploded through her body and she let out a silent wail.

       Sallan opened her eyes to darkness. She could still feel his presence, even though the small sliver of rationality she still possessed told her there was no one here. She fell to the floor in a tangle of blankets, tearing herself free, she stood up, feeling sick and dizzy. Stumbling towards the door, she wrenched it open, staggering into the darkened hall outside. It was deathly quiet and in the silence. she heard her own heartsbeats pounding in her ears. She made her way down the hall, not sure where she was going, carried along by instinct.

       Finally, a vicious bout of nausea caused her to crash against the wall, one hand gripping it like a lifeline, the other clutching her stomach.

       Through the fog of pain, she heard a voice, faint and distant.

       ‘Sallan? Buddy? Are you okay?’

       Narvin was standing next to her, his eyes dark with fear.

       Summoning her strength, she managed to choke out ‘No…no’ before another satb of pain caused her to collapse.

       Strong arms caught her, holding her up. She was briefly aware of Narvin saying something, but she was in too much pain to respond. The pain was everywhere, wave after wave of intense agony.

       They had managed to stumble into the bathroom before the nausea took over. She rarely got sick enough to throw up. The last time had been when a stomach bug had swept through the agency, causing operations to grind to a halt. She felt like she might throw up a lung, the way her body was heaving. Narvin was kneeling next to her, rubbing her back and murmuring soothing words. She couldn’t understand why he was staying. It was disgusting, even he had to admit that. She wondered why he didn’t just leave her here.

       The retching went on for a few more minutes before they gave way to dry heaves, then stopping altogether. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve, wondering if she had enough strength to get up and leave. As if on cue, Narvin grabbed her arm, gently helping her to her feet. She stumbled, but managed to stay upright.

       They made their way outside in silence. Narvin was supporting most of her weight. She wondered if she could spare herself the humiliation by wrenching away and running back to her room, but with the way her vision was going in and out of focus, she would be more likely to fall before she made it five steps.

       ‘No. No. I’m not going back to bed.’ She slurred as they entered her room.

       ‘You have to lie down. You’re barely standing as it is.’

       ‘No.’ She pulled back.

       ‘Okay. Okay. No bed. How about a shower? You need to rinse off.’

       The thought of getting naked made her stomach lurch again. ‘No.’ Narvin yelped and almost lost his grip when she tried to run.

       ‘Woah. Relax. No shower either, I get it. How about we just sit? Can you do that?’

       She let him help her sit up against the wall, watched him walk over to turn on the bedside lamp. A warm yellow glow filled the room, chasing away some of the shadows of the night.

       ‘Do you want some water?’ Narvin looked pale and exhausted. Now that the intial panice was over, she felt bad. He should be sleeping, not taking care of a useless thing like her.

       ‘I’m fine.’ She didn’t want him to see her like this. She wasn’t worth it. Didn’t he understand that?

       He gave her a tired smile. ‘Oh, Sal. You’re really not.’

       He poured a glass of water, handing it to her. When she refused to take it, he sighed and put it on the table. ‘There. It’s there if you want it.’

       ‘I don’t need it.’

       ‘Sure.’ He sat down next to her, slowly so as not to startle her. ‘Are you okay?’

       Her stomach still felt sick, but the urge to retch was gone, so she supposed that was an improvement. ‘I’m fine.’

       Narvin was studying her intently, looking for signs that she was lying. She looked down. ‘I’m fine. I’m sorry I woke you up. You should go back to bed.’

       ‘So should you.’

       ‘Bad dream?’

       ‘Is there any other kind?’

       ‘Do you mind if I stay a while? It’s not good to be alone after a nightmare.’

       She shrugged. ‘It’s not like I can make you leave.’

       They sat in silence for a moment. Sallan felt the Monan’s presence again, his breath on her cheek, whispering in her ear.

       ‘Sallan, hey. Sallan. Snap out of it!’

       She blinked. Narvin was holding her shoulder. ‘Sorry. You look like you were going to be sick again.’ He let her go. ‘What were you thinking about?’

       ‘You know, same old broken record.’

       ‘He’s not here.’

       ‘I know he’s not here.’ She groaned. ‘He’s not here, but I can still feel him. I can’t stop thinking about him.’

       ‘What were you dreaming about?’

       Sallan swallowed. She didn’t want to tell him. She was sure that once he knew, he would never want to see her again. It was disgusting, just disgusting.

       ‘Sal?’ Narvin asked gently. She wondered if underneath his gentleness, he hated her for wasting his time.

       ‘A man, a woman. You fill out the rest.’

       Understanding colored Narvin’s face. She waited for him to get mad, to storm out, but he simple sat there.

       ‘That’s-I-‘

       ‘Oh, now you look like you’re going to be sick too. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.’

       ‘No, I’m glad you told me.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’m shocked, that’s all.’

       ‘I’m sorry. I tried to stop it, but he-he-‘ Her stomach heaved again and she wondered if she was going to throw up bile.

       Narvin shook his head. ‘It’s not your fault. I’m not angry, I’m not. It’s just-why didn’t you tell me sooner?’

       ‘Because you didn’t need to know. These are my problems and I have to learn to deal with them on my own.’

       ‘It’s not good for you to keep these things inside. I could have helped.’ He sounded confused, hurt.

       ‘How? Can you make them magically disappear?’ She sighed. ‘I can’t learn to deal with it if I run to you every time I mess up. You’re not a crutch and you don’t deserve to be. You’ve goy your own problems and you shouldn’t have to deal with my problems too.’

       ‘I don’t think that’s how it works. I know you can take care of yourself, but you can ask for help if you need it.’

       ‘Then what? You’re not going to be able to do this forever. What happens when you get sick and tired and I promise you will be? I’m broken and you can’t fix me, no matter how hard you try. I’m just not the person I was 6 months ago. One day you’ll figure that out and then you’ll-you’ll-‘ She choked on the words.

       ‘I’ll what?’

       ‘You’ll stop. You’ll pack up and move on. It’ll hurt, I know that, so it’s better if we both accept that as soon as possible. I’m hopeless and you have to stop trying, cause if you keep taking care of me, I won’t know how to do it for myself.’

       Narvin reached over and hugged her. It was soft and gentle and she felt herself melt, leaning into his warmth. ‘You’re not hopeless.’ He murmured in her ear. ‘I’m not giving up on you and you can’t give up on yourself either. He made you feel worthless but you’re not. You have to keep telling yourself that until you start believing it. You’re my best friend and you’ll always be important to me. I’ll always make time for you, even when I’m Coordinator someday.’

       ‘Will you stay?’

       ‘For as long as you want me to.’

       She had no memory of falling asleep, but she must have at some point. The next morning, she woke up to the smell of freshly baked bread. There was a sandwich and a cup of coffee, along with a note in Narvin’s handwriting the read ‘Call me if you need anything else.’

       For one wild moment, she believed him, believed that it would be okay after all.


End file.
